Discover my world as I live it.

Maybe it's cause it's the time of the month but I'm definitely feeling an all new emotional low. Suddenly, I just feel so unhappy about everything about myself that I just want to hide from myself and the rest of the world.

It's not a pretty feeling and I can't stop berating myself for feeling like that. As you all know, my actual birthday is on the 18th of August but I'm celebrating it earlier from the 5-7th of August so that we can all get some rest time on National Day and it's also because school has not started for NUS yet...meaning, theoretically speaking, people invited to my party would most likely actually have time to even be there. But I'm really getting a little overwhelmed by this celebration. Celebrating my birthday earlier makes pragmatic sense but I just can't feel happy enough. What am I supposed to feel on the the 5th - 7th? It just feels like a sham and this kind of feeling is really bothering me because who am I to complain. My parents has spent so much on this and my relatives have all so graciously stepped into help out as my father is still recuperating from his heart operation. Even my sister (who is in Vietnam at the moment) 's BF is helping me out with the cake and is fetching me from NUS to the chalet.

I should be so happy and truthfully I am happy about the people helping me but my problem is that I'm not happy about myself. I just don't feel good about myself. And that horrendous haircut from Chapter 2 is not doing much for my paper thin self esteem at the moment. Shit...I just went and shot myself in the leg by going for a haircut 4 days before my 21st BIRTHDAY PARTY...WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING...

I LOOK HORRIBLE AND I JUST WANT TO CALL THIS WHOLE THING OFF BEFORE I HUMILIATE MYSELF IN FROMT OF EVERYBODY AND EX-CLASSMATES THAT I HAVE NOT SEEN FOR EONS. I mean, it's my 21st for GOD's SAKE. I'm supposed to feel beautiful about myself and i really want to feel like that but i don't.

This sucks...Maybe it's go down in history as my worst birthday ever...and the saddest part about it all is that noone can help me feel otherwise because it's internal.

I'm so sorry...