Sunday, August 28, 2005
Alone
Am feeling kinda low rite now.
I was just wasting time checking out my Friendster lists when I saw his profile picture: The Little Prince and this flashflood of memories and feelings that I thought I had rid myself off just came crashing down on me. I mean, this has been his profile picture for a long time now but just now when I saw it, I just felt a deep regret for how things turned out between him and me.
I was his first girlfriend. He told me that I was the only person that he had ever truly opened up to. And I felt so honoured that he let me into his world. I thought that we were so right for each other that I even fantasized about marriage, something quite out of character for me. But in the end, all this was not enough. Three years has passed and I'm back in the same emotional rut.
I felt really betrayed by him when he decided that a long distance relationship wouldn't work out and when he suddenly told me that he did not love me anymore. I really cannot understand how can someone so in love just fall out of love like that. Why is it that I have to face this betrayal twice?? When we were first starting out, he made a fancy promise not to hurt me. But he is the person who made me cried the hardest.
But I really miss him...not the him now...but the jeremy who was with me for the two years during JC. The person who would do anything for me just to make me happy, would give into my demands and let me nag at him for not taking care of himself properly. I was so dependent on him back then. We were classmates so we sat together during lectures and tutorials, studied together in libraries. And when we went home after school or dates, we would immediately be back on the phone or sms each other incessantly. In short, our lives revolved around each other.
When he flew off, he would still call me sometimes or would fly back to Singapore nearing my birthday. But after sometime, he told me that he liked another...
I just couldn't go on living like this, ready to throw everything down at the sound of his voice on my phone when whatever hopes I had was extinguished mercilessly. Yet, I cannot blame him. Some says absence makes the heart grow fonder but in this case, the opposite is closer to the truth. I need to move on. I need closure and this gave me the perfect excuse to get over him. I told him never to call me again.
Does he still think about me? Maybe. All I want from him now is to never forget what we had.
Right now, I can only wait and see what else life has in store for me. I take too long to mourn over failed relationships (4yrs and 3 yrs respectively). I need help.
8:53 PM